Of Loans and Sharks
by xotakux2002x
Summary: Itachi and Kisame are returning from a mission, when they encounter an unusual obstacle. Very light kisaita, peinkonan


Kisame and Itachi were strolling down a forest road together, heading back from their most recent assignment that had gone slightly less than perfect. On one hand, they'd been able to infiltrate an enemy hideout, locate their target, and extract valuable information from him. On the other hand, their valuable target had put up one hell of a fight after the information was extracted, and had to be killed afterwards. But really, in the grand scheme of things, that was just a little squirt of rain on an otherwise sunny day. "Ah, this is the life!" Kisame declared with a sharky grin on his face. "Fresh air, clear skies, chunks of flesh dried onto Samehada…what more could you want?"

"Hn."

"You know, I think I'm going to ask Pein for a vacation when we get back. We didn't have to kill that psychotic overlord; he said it was _optional_, remember? If you look at it from that angle, we went above and beyond the call of duty."

"Hn."

"Exactly!" Kisame grinned over his shoulder at the weasel. Itachi seemed rather worn out by this point, mostly due to excessive use of Amaterasu to incinerate the enemies' base (and most of the enemies within), and Kisame, being the concerned and gentle mass murderer that he was, wanted to brighten his partner's spirit a little. "I think the beach would be perfect. Surf for me and sun for you-oh, don't give me that look, you could use a little sun." When Itachi's "look" didn't fade, however, the grin slid off Kisame's face. "What is it?"

Itachi suddenly appeared in front of the shark, Sharingan activated. "Company."

The shark groaned and drew his sword, wearily looking around the foliage. "Of course we have company," he muttered with a roll of his eyes. "Can you tell how many?" Itachi opened his mouth to answer-

"Stop right there, Akatsuki dogs!"

The shark and weasel suddenly found themselves surrounded by no less than twenty men, dressed from head to toe in black, most with katanas, guns, and other large weapons that were clearly compensating for something else strapped to their backs. "You thought you could outrun us!" the leader declared, dressed in a nicer black suit and brandishing the largest sword of all. "You thought you could just shirk out of your end of the bargain! Well it's too late; now you'll have to pay the price, with interest!"

Kisame gave the man an odd look. Pein hadn't warned the shark or weasel about any additional enemies that they needed to watch for, and he was reasonably sure that neither he nor Itachi had done anything to directly incur this man's wrath. The shark wouldn't turn down a fight if the other guy swung first, to be sure, but as a professional S-rank killer, he liked to know who and why he was fighting before doing anything on the battlefield. "Itachi, please tell me you have some idea what this guy's talking about."

"Not a clue."

-meanwhile, several hundred miles away-

"Oh dear."

"Hm?" Konan looked up from the origami swan in her lap to see Pein frowning over what looked like a bill. The two were currently situated in the Akatsuki leader's office, with Pein going over his endless mounds of paperwork and Konan doing her best to keep her partner reasonably happy. "What is it?"

"Apparently I'm a bit overdue for payment of my Advil shipments." Pein humph'ed at the bill and extracted his checkbook from a pocket within his cloak. "Not my fault our mailman is dodgy as hell…"

"Maybe if he didn't have to hike halfway up a mountain and traverse a labyrinth of booby traps to get to our mailbox, it would arrive on time. And the mail we do get wouldn't be half burnt," Konan reasoned.

"Bah, he just needs to be in better shape!" Sighing, the leader finished filling out the check and stuffed it into the pre-addressed envelope, before depositing it in the outgoing mail pile. "Guess I better take care of it now, before the loan sharks get here."

"Mm, you look so sexy when you take charge like that," Konan purred. Pein sat back up in his seat just as the origami mistress was stretching herself out across his desk. His eyes traveled down her body, noticing that she had quite a few clasps on her cloak undone, and sported a low-cut top underneath. "See something you like?" she murmured, leaning forward and cupping her lover's cheek.

"Quite a bit, actually," Pein replied, leaning in and kissing the blue-haired woman. And as he rolled Konan onto her back for a heavy makeout session on his desk, he was only vaguely aware that his outgoing mail pile had fallen to the floor. Oh well. Waiting a little longer to pay an already overdue bill couldn't hurt anyone, right?

-meanwhile, back at the main plot-

"Well if they have a problem with Akatsuki, not much we can do about it," Kisame reasoned. "Hey, why don't you sit this one out, Itachi? These guys are barely strong enough to be worth the effort." Truthfully, Kisame was fairly certain that Itachi might have overdone it a bit recently with his frequent usage of Sharingan and Amaterasu (not that Itachi would ever admit it, or Kisame would ever outright suggest it), and Kisame didn't want Itachi to exert any more effort before they had a chance to rest. And maybe, just maybe, he wanted to show off a little in front of the weasel, but that was definitely a secondary reason! Really.

Itachi gave a nod of agreement and vanished from sight, hiding somewhere in the nearby brush where he'd be out of their sight and out of Kisame's way. "Where'd the short one go?!" one of the attackers asked as the others looked around, trying desperately to locate the Uchiha.

Kisame rolled his eyes and replaced Samehada between his shoulders, popping his knuckles afterwards. If they couldn't even track Itachi, his weapon of choice wouldn't be needed; fists would work just as well. With a wide grin and a (slightly) unnecessary war cry, Kisame dove straight into the group, much to their surprise.

The fight took surprisingly longer than Kisame expected. True, most of the men didn't put up much of a fight once he got in a punch or two, but they were quick, and every time he knocked out one adversary, two more popped up in its place. Maybe he shouldn't have been quite so confident in himself.

On the other hand, he'd seen Itachi peeking out of the brush at one point during the fight, and the weasel _had_ looked rather impressed when Kisame threw three guys across the forest all at once, landing them on top of a neat pile of their comrades.

"Stop resisting!" one of the men yelled, hurling several smoke bombs at Kisame. The thick cloud of black managed to obscure Kisame's vision, but not his hearing. The shark could tell that the men were falling back, immediately sending up a red flag. Even worse, the world was starting to spin, and he had the distinct feeling that this was because of the gas. Damn, he hadn't expected these people to use anything toxic on him; then again, considering how horrible they'd proven to be in hand to hand combat, an underhanded tactic like this really should've been expected. He had to get out, fast.

Leaping straight into the air, Kisame managed to break free of the smoke and finally saw where the others had gone. They'd fallen back to a position a fair distance from him, and were pointing their guns at him, which now that he got a better look at them appeared to be some sort of dart guns. Well that would be easy enough to avoid-

Had Kisame not spotted a second group of shooters combing through some of the bushes very near where he'd last sensed Itachi.

For all the weasel's speed and skill, even Itachi wouldn't be able to dodge a gunshot, and if those darts packed half the punch that Kisame suspected they did, the Uchiha would probably get a nasty overdose of whatever was loaded in them. Thinking fast, Kisame hurled Samehada directly into the group and made a few quick hand signs. In an instant Samehada expanded and scratched the vast majority of them, devouring their chakra so rapidly that most collapsed to the ground in a heap.

Kisame would have taken a moment to congratulate himself on protecting Itachi, had the rest of the attackers not chosen to fire at that moment. In an instant the shark was turned into a pincushion by the darts, and had a split second to realize that they were packed full of chakra drainers before he blacked out.

-m-

How long he'd been asleep, Kisame had no idea. The only things he knew when he woke up on his back were that it was dark, he couldn't sense Itachi, and he had one **hell** of a headache. Not to mention every part of his body felt weak and sore, probably a leftover from excessive chakra depletion. There was a very good chance that if he didn't already have a ridiculous amount of chakra, Kisame would be swimming with the fishes right now, so to speak, and again the shark was grateful for his decision to protect Itachi. Kami knows what something like this would've done to the Sharingan user's petite frame. "Ah, good, you're awake."

Kisame slowly turned his head towards the voice and saw a cloaked figure, standing in the doorway to what was starting to look very much like a jail cell. Well he had been captured, so it was only logical that he'd been imprisoned. He squinted at the man, the light filtering in through the doorway only amplifying his already killer headache. "I take it you're the one who captured me?"

"Kamon's the name, and yes I did," the man admitted, stepping further into the room to get a better look at Kisame. "And you're the one who decided that putting half my men in the hospital was a good idea. You do realize I'm going to charge you extra for that."

Kisame, while having absolutely no idea what this man was talking about, nonetheless had a quick retort, as always. "Well I hate to break it to you, but I left my wallet at home."

"I'm aware; we searched you when you came in. Dear me, you had a number of nasty scrolls on you," Kamon murmured with a scolding shake of the head. "I don't even want to know what they were used for…"

"Mind explaining why you decided to take me hostage?" Kisame had half a mind to sit up and see if he could use his imposing presence to wring some answers out of this guy, but at the moment his head was telling him that lying down on this dingy cot was probably in his best interest.

"Bait, my good sir. I'm quite sure that your partner, having fled upon realizing you were captured, is so terrified-"

"BWAHAHA!"

Kamon was very much taken aback when Kisame suddenly burst into peals of laughter, curling up into a ball and positively shrieking with mirth. "Did I say something funny?"

"Gasp…hah…oh, yeah." Pulling himself together, Kisame finally managed to sit up and stop laughing. "Itachi is nowhere near terrified. Itachi does not get terrified. I'm pretty sure it's written in his genetic code, matter of fact. But, go on."

"…is so, erm, _upset_, that he'll have no choice but to bring a hefty ransom-"

"I'm sorry, you've gotta stop before I start laughing again," Kisame begged, already shaking with barely contained laughter. "The only things my partner will be bringing are vengeance and a number of pointy objects."

"The man who didn't even raise a hand to help you in your time of need? Even after we captured you?"

"Trust me, Itachi has a damn good reason for what he's done. I don't know what that reason is, but then again, I usually don't. Give it some time; he'll be here, and when that happens, you'll be in a world of hurt."

-m-

Itachi was furious. This, in and of itself, was a huge issue. Normally the weasel couldn't be bothered to feel more than annoyance at the world, but after waking up in the middle of a forest, alone, drained of chakra and with his hair full of leaves, the weasel had gone from annoyed to miffed, skipped right over peeved, and was now experiencing full-blown rage.

Itachi had done as Kisame suggested and sat the fight out, allowing his partner to do the heavy lifting. A stupid idea, to be sure, but if Kisame wanted to burn off a little energy and give Itachi a break, then who was he to complain? Besides, there was just something about watching the shark flex those muscles-ahem.

Itachi had considered the situation under control, and as a result let his guard down for one second. One teensy, tiny, short little second! And in that time period, the shark had somehow managed to get airborne and hurl Samehada at a group of enemies that had gotten a little too close to Itachi. While the protective gesture was nice, the resulting chakra drain had hit Itachi like a truck-sized vampire, and knocked him unconscious. His only saving grace was that he'd been so well hidden that none of their assailants found him when they'd gotten around to dragging away their injured comrades, and had left the Uchiha where he fell. Thus, Itachi woke up hours later, in the brush, next to Samehada with little to no energy left.

The Uchiha popped a soldier pill, then got up and stretched, wondering if the mysterious attackers had left any clues as to their identities or whereabouts. If not he could still track them with relative ease, but any sort of hint in the right direction would be most welcome and make the weasel's job that much easier. If Itachi could only rarely be bothered to feel more than annoyance at the world, than situations wherein he bothered to exert more than the tiniest amount of his massive brainpower frankly didn't happen more than once in a blue moon.

The search didn't take long. In only a short period of time Itachi found a note pinned to a tree, which read: "Attention puny adversary! We have taken your partner hostage, and are holding him at our headquarters (map and instructions below). Pay what you owe, plus 3 months interest at 7.8%, and you will get him back and will not be hurt! Be quick, or terrible things will happen! MWAHAHA!" Beneath was a crudely drawn map, with large labels and arrows to show the weasel where to go, including a very crude depiction of Itachi himself walking down the path.

Itachi's eyes narrowed at the sight, crumpling the note in his fist. "That's it. I'm going to kill them all."  
The weasel then memorized the map before incinerating it, feeling slightly better. Anger was always easier to manage when one had a proper outlet, after all.

-meanwhile-

"I really should get around to paying that bill, you know."

"Oh sweetie, what's the rush? Besides, if you stay with me, I'll give you a nice backrub."

"…Well, I guess it can wait a little longer…"

"That's the spirit, love!"

-and elsewhere-

"Just you wait. Any second, he'll be here."

"You've been saying that for half an hour now."

"I know. Still true."

"…"

"…"

"So, um…care to play a round of cards? Rummy, maybe poker?"

"Don't have much to wager, so rummy for now."

"Sounds good," Kamon agreed, extracting a deck of cards from his pocket and shuffling them. "We'll just play until your partner gets here, whenever that may be."

Kisame nodded in agreement to these terms, but couldn't help but wonder what was taking Itachi so long. Really, where was he?

-m-

Itachi's plot for vengeance had run into a slight snag in the form of Samehada. While the sword had absolutely no problem with Kisame carrying it around, the same could not be said for Itachi. Every time the weasel got anywhere near the handle, Samehada turned into a spiky mess just dying to devour his chakra. Itachi was getting more and more frustrated as the problem persisted, and nearly incinerated the blade with Amaterasu, when an idea that was equally brilliant and humiliating occurred to him.

Stepping back to a safe distance, the weasel removed the belt that normally held his pants in place and tightened it to a small loop at the end. Approaching the sword again, Itachi carefully angled the loop to catch Samehada's handle, and a slight tug secured the belt in place. Still cautious, Itachi gently tugged the belt towards himself, and Samehada came with it.

Marveling at the simplicity of such a plan, Itachi headed off in the direction of his captured partner, dragging the shark's sword behind him like an overweight dog forced to go outside for exercise.

-two hours later-

Steve was having a very rough first day on the job. His day had started out being sent to collect a debt from a group known as the Akatsuki. He had been assured that, while these people were indeed vicious, bloodthirsty criminals that enjoyed pillaging the countryside and causing general mayhem and shenanigans wherever they went, the members were pretty good about their finances, and wouldn't react too terribly badly to receiving a past due notice. Since two members were reportedly in the area, it would be best to give the note to them, and have the members take it back to their boss.

Shortly after finding the Akatsuki members, Steve had been put in a full Nelson and used as a projectile weapon against several of his friends. It had taken a ridiculous amount of their darts to finally subdue one of the members, and since they couldn't find the other ninja anywhere nearby, they'd had to leave a potential enemy behind. And finally, by the time they'd gotten the blue ninja back to their headquarters and imprisoned the man, the cafeteria had run out of food, and it was roasted turkey night.

So yeah, by all accounts Steve was having a terrible day.

The guard was pulled out of his pity party by the sounds of screams coming from the next guard tower over, followed by the sight of a huge fireball. Before Steve even had time to ask "What the hell?!", the other Akatsuki member from earlier had appeared in front of him, and he looked rather pissed.

"GAAAH!" Steve shrieked, diving out of the tower just before it, too, was incinerated by one of Itachi's fire jutsus.

Normally one for stealth, Itachi had decided to forgo any pretense of sneaking and being furtive tonight; he was tired, his body was far too low on chakra to use Sharingan or Amaterasu any more, the soldier pill would be wearing off soon, and besides, given his current mood, setting things on fire felt really, really good.

"There he is! Get him!"

Itachi looked to the ground and saw that Steve had recovered and rallied a few other guards to Itachi's position. Looking at them like a hungry lion studying a herd of gazelles, Itachi leapt down and swung Samehada (still attached to his belt) at the unsuspecting men, clocking several of them upside the head and wincing as the blade shredded the skin and muscle of more than a few guards. There was a reason he normally used genjutsu or ninjutsu over his katana; blades were messy.

Itachi carved a path towards the heart of the kidnappers' headquarters, burning or bashing anyone who dared to get in his way. Finally, with a trail of injured guards and ashes lying behind him, the weasel stood on the steps of the main building, calmly waiting for the leader of these fiends to approach.

He didn't need to wait for long; in a few moments a man with dark brown hair and eyes appeared, looking horrified at the state of his half-charred base. "Wh-wh-what happened? You did…but why…how?"

"You will give me back my partner, or terrible things are going to happen," Itachi threatened. "Fetch him. **Now.**"

The brunette disappeared back into the building, shouting several things at people Itachi presumed were guards of the prison. When he reemerged several minutes later, it was with Kisame in tow. The shark waved farewell, saying, "I said he'd come, Kamon, didn't I?" and walked down the steps to Itachi. "Hey Ita-"

SLAP

Kisame's head jerked to the side from the force of the blow, eyes widening in shock. Somewhere in his mind, he was aware that the slap was probably somewhat deserved, but he honestly hadn't expected Itachi to really hit him. "**You are in so much trouble,**" the weasel hissed.

Kisame gulped; when Itachi used that tone, people had a nasty habit of dying horribly painful deaths. "Itachi-"

"You just _had_ to be the big macho imbecile, didn't you? You figured that you could handle them all, and that I just wasn't_needed_, hm?"

"Er-"

"You should have used your sword, you big lummox!" Itachi snapped, eyes devoid of Sharingan but glowing threateningly all the same. "But no, the only time you even had the brilliant plan to actually use your weapon of choice in combat came with the added side effect of draining my chakra which, incidentally, is the only reason you are not trapped in the Tsukuyomi right now!"

"Eep…"

"And now you're out of chakra, I'm out of chakra, we're nearly a hundred miles from home, and I am covered from head to toe in dirt, soot, and leaves! LEAVES!"

"Angel-"

"Don't you dare 'angel' me!" Itachi snarled with the fury of a thousand tailed beasts, making Kisame positively cower beneath his wrath. "You are out of endearment territory, you're barely in Itachi territory, and I'm about to boot you back into Itachi-san territory if you're not careful!"

"But-"

"**What.**"

Kisame gulped; this plea for his life needed to be good. After taking a brief moment to collect his thoughts, the shark opened his mouth and proceeded to unleash the ramblings of a truly desperate man upon his partner. "Itachi you've never made a bad decision in your life so going out with me can't be all that bad even if I do stupid shit like this and yeah, this whole mess was definitely my fault but honestly my ego needed to be deflated because if this had happened against real ninjas we'd both be dead now, which really makes this kind of a learning experience for both of us and I promise I'll never be this stupid again and please don't kill me because I really am very sorry and I would've broken out but I knew you'd rescue me, so how about we just forget this whole mess ever happened, please?"

Itachi gave his partner a long, hard look, and Kisame managed to return it without shrieking like a little girl and fleeing for his life. Finally, Itachi responded with two words: "Hot springs."

"Huh?"

"You will convince Pein to let us vacation somewhere with hot springs. You will carry our baggage to and from there, and when we arrive you will give me a nice backrub. You will never do something this stupid ever again."

Kisame grinned, barely resisting the urge to hug Itachi. It was a tall order to fill, sure, but considering how badly he'd screwed things up, the weasel had barely let him off with a slap on the wrist. "Agreed."

"Hn." Itachi thrust Samehada out to the shark, relieved at no longer having to bear the weapon's weight. Casting one final warning glance at the remaining enemies and watching them flee in terror, Itachi spun around towards the exit and began leading his partner off the grounds.

"Er, Itachi?"

"Hn?"

"Why is Samehada covered in dirt and leaves?"

"Because it's evil and you're an idiot."

-epilogue-

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAH!"

Konan jumped from his seat on Pein's desk and tumbled to the ground, knocking over several stacks of folders in the process. "What is it?!" she demanded while scrambling back to her perch on his desk.

"The bill…I just got another bill from the loan shark…"

"And?"

"You remember that "delay" Kisame and Itachi had on their way home? The one they refused to talk about? Apparently that delay involved running into our creditors and driving up a huge bill for me!" Pein let out a sound like a dying walrus and sank down into his seat, staring at the bill clutched in his trembling hands. "Dozens of men in the hospital with burns and scars, dozens more in need of therapy, half their headquarters torched, fifty dollars in lost Rummy winnings, the list goes on and on…we'll be paying this bill until our grandkids are buried!"

"I suppose this is your hubris for not paying that bill on time."

Pein shot Konan a dirty glare. "I'd hardly say I'm alone to blame, foul temptress of the desk."

"See if we can work out a deal with him," Konan suggested. "Kamon has a thing for blonds, right?"

"Yes…" Pein confirmed, not really sure where this was going.

"When you need to make a new Advil order, send Deidara to him on a solo assignment to him, as a gift."

"Do you have any idea what Sasori will do to me?!" Pein shrieked.

"Oh no, darling. You see, when Sasori comes in here a day or so later, you will give him a scroll to deliver to Kamon, and explain that Deidara has taken longer than expected to get back from the assignment, and you suspect it may have something to do with the lecher Kamon's taste for blonds, and you really had thought that Deidara was capable of taking care of himself. At this point, darling white knight Sasori will dash off to rescue our resident bomber, and should get there just as Kamon is falling for him."

"Go on."

"And then, when Sasori sees Deidara and Kamon together, he'll promptly flip out and accuse our loan shark friend of sexual harassment, which could wreck Kamon's reputation in the business world if he's stupid enough to go after one of the Akatsuki members. Kamon will be so horrified that he'll let the two of them go without any argument, after taking your order, of course. Sasori, being the responsible adult that he is, will still drop off the scroll before leaving. And that scroll will say, 'now we're even for what happened on your base', and we'll be back to just paying for the medicine. How's that sound, dear?"

"You're evil," Pein declared, sitting back in his chair in a state of shock. "Positively wicked. Downright diabolical."

"Ooh, such mean names you have for me," Konan purred, leaning forward on his desk again and nipping at the leader's neck. "So what are you going to do with such a devious underling, hm?"

"Oh, I can think of a few things," Pein answered, already bending her back over the desk and kissing her like mad. Cunning and morally questionable plans to get them out of this mess could wait; for now, he had a lovely, pliant origami mistress on his desk to entertain.


End file.
